Friday, September 4, 2009

Angels and Big Boys

Before you read any further, you owe it to yourself to take a look at this:

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. I know, for I thought it, too . . . once.

You’re thinking that Glenn Beck is batsh*t crazy.

Sure, at first blush it looks bad. The Beckster seems to fancy himself some sort of Robert Langdon a la The DaVinci Code, finding the oh-so-subtle-yet-indubitable symbols of communism in front of our eyes, going on a bizarre rant about hammer and sickles and workers and Rockefeller, all without making a single coherent point.

Yes, one might think that Beck is not only embarrassing himself, but his network, conservatives, and perhaps all of humanity with his inane prattle.

You might think that the only possible explanation for this tour-de-force of stupidity is that Beck, a confessed alcoholic, is back on the juice.

Oh, but you’d be wrong.

For, now that my eyes have been opened by Beck, I too see the connections. Glen has played Morphus to my naïve Neo, and I’ve swallowed the red pill. In more ways than one.

I give you a fabled piece of what I once, in my innocence, would have called “American” sculpture: Big Boy.

 Innocent? Whimsical? Cute?

Oh, you poor, ignorant bastard.

Thanks to Beck, I now see Bob’s Big Boy for what it is: communist propaganda.

You doubt me? I give you Big Boy’s ideological daddy--Vladimir Ilyich Lenin.

Ah, I can here you even now. Mere happenstance you say. A quirk of sculptural synchronicity. I wish . . .

Take a look. See the pattern. Statue after statue. Lenin after Lenin. From Moscow to Budapest, Lenin’s pose is the same. The left hand clenched and cocked, as if to strike against an evil capitalist. The right hand raised in triumph.

What could be more clear?

A Big Boy burger? I’ll just say nyet, comrade!

Do you need more? You’ve got it.

Take a look at BB’s wardrobe--the checkerboard overalls.

Sure, one could note the color: red. Or the fact that overalls bespeak the proletariat, rising up in righteous revolution against their oppressors.

But a trained monkey could note those obvious connections between BB and nefarious political ideologies. Inspired by Beck, I have dug deeper, and I have looked into the abyss.

Do you know who else, Besides Mark’s Big Boy, uses the red checkerboard as a symbol?


Hmmmmmm…..what to make of this? Gosh, I wonder. What country was Croatia once a part of? Oh, oh yeah: Yugoslavia! And what was the form of government did Yugoslavia have?


But that’s not even the end of it. Where else do we find that “innocent” red checkerboard?

Ralston Purina.

William Danforth, the founder of Purina, chose the red checkerboard as his company’s logo, but that’s not all. He also developed it into a symbol of a whole new-agey world view, representing the balance among the mental, physical, social, and religious. I know this because it’s on Wikipedia, so it must be true. Look it up yourself!

So the red checkerboard represents a pagan worldview—an unholy, un-Christian spiritual view linked via numerology to the number four—four winds, four humors, four elements, four corners of the world. The bastards! They made it so obvious we didn’t even notice it!

And now Ralston Purina is owned by a Swiss company. Gee, what do we know about the Swiss? Snazzy pocket knives. Sure. Yodeling. Check. But think . . . think, dammit!

Yes, now you have it: neutrality! Even in World War II! The Swiss wouldn’t even take a stand against Adolf Hitler, and now they own a company that is both leading our youth into the cold embrace of communism, but owns a huge percentage of the pet food market.

Oh God . . . . oh my sweet Lord . . . .the last piece has fallen in place.

Alpo . . . Kit-n-Kiboodle . . . Big Boy Burgers . . . .



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